The four types of coffee goers.
“Stay awake.”
There are four types of coffee goers.
First, you have the Ponderers. These are the deep thinkers, the menu philosophers. They stand beneath the chalkboard like it’s a sacred text, squinting at every option as if the fate of the universe hinges on their choice. They ask the barista questions like, “What’s in this one?” or “Is this more bitter‑sweet or sweet‑bitter?” They often end up ordering something they never intended to try—and will never order again.
Second, there are the Attention Seekers. They know exactly what they want, but what they want even more is conversation. Maybe they know the barista from previous visits, maybe they just enjoy the spotlight. They linger at the counter, chatting away, oblivious to the line of caffeine‑deprived humans behind them. They sip slowly but talk endlessly, delighted by the sound of their own voice.
Third, the Quickies. Efficiency incarnate. They mobile‑order whenever possible, and when they don’t, they stride in with laser focus: “Very dry cappuccino, please.” No hesitation, no small talk. They’re out the door before the barista can say, “Have a good—oh. Okay then.”
And finally, the Regulars. (That would be Señor Guapo.) They greet the baristas by name, glide to the counter with quiet confidence, and simply say, “I’ll have my usual.” Then they settle into their favorite spot, open their laptop, and begin their day. This group is typically composed of the effortlessly handsome, the unbothered, the ones who seem born knowing exactly where they belong.